i really can't figure out what's wrong with me

it's easy to blame it on depression

but it's difficult for me to function sometimes

some nights i can't sleep

some nights i can't breathe

tonight nothing makes me happy and everything makes me angry

i can't listen to music because i'm critical of everything
-it's too sappy
-it's too happy
-it's too forced
-too fucking something

i don't know
i can't write

i'm too self-conscious

i spent the first half of my life trying not to be seen
and the rest trying to be heard at every instance
i learned to be quiet and i learned to not feel
and by the time i decided i didn't want that to be me
there wasn't anything left
i can put on a smile and be an asshole when i'm supposed to
but i can't find comfort in being alive when i can't even feel alive when i'm alone
when it is so damn hard to not be alone

i'm stuck with feelings of pretentious preteen emo BULLSHIT
and i can't get it out of my head
and i can't breathe sometimes
and i don't know what to say
or who to talk to
or what drugs to take

i can't seem to be happy without being given bullshit praise
by every fucking person i meet
and it makes me sick to my fucking stomach

but no one wants someone with feelings
at least in my experience
not my feelings anyways

so i listen
because you can't piss someone off if you just shut up and listen
every day
every fucking day.

life constantly and consistently
touching
talking

           watching

full of fear and frustration
and loathing

it's clear that nothing is
and afraid that nothing will

self-delusion to make the drink go down
pain;            to ease the pain

just ambition

just ideas not yet formed
               not yet realized

lust, alcohol, and a fucked up sense of duty
       
                          or kindness

unclear of what is and has been and will be
unclear of why
     
            or

               why?